Holidays homage to "Shouts and Murmurs"

New Yorker has Shouts and Murmurs, an 1-pager of humor by some amazing writers, Woody Allen included. I dont have time or talent for the 1-pager, so here is a 1-paragrapher.

I am a CS researcher. In the past people like me use to set up a bio entry or in more recent times, a webpage to tell people about ourselves. Not any more. In post-Apple era (Apple seems to follow you even into Post-Apple era), I am going to set up an app for myself. People will not browse to my homepage, but will download and install MyApp. It will ask them permission to track their location and if they dont give me permission, they wont be able to access me. Once they download and setup MyApp, they can browse to my papers, and with each paper they view, MyApp will show  helpful recommendations like "if you like this paper, you will also like..." or "If you like this formula, you will also like Gauss's..." and link to papers, ads, and other products (if you are a researcher, you can set up an ad campaign with MyApp to show papers to other researchers at suitable times, and in an inexpensive way, reach a highly targeted audience!). Once in a while, based on their location and their facebook friends, MyApp will pop up notifications about nearby talks, conferences, and ongoing Tenure meetings, PC discussions and even impromptu cafe meetings between fellow researchers which might be of interest to them. In the future, as researchers share their Eureka moments on MyApp, one can immediately and instantly know when a researcher of interest gets hit by an apple on their head or is witnessed running naked from the tub or dies of wounds from a duel.